College relationships veer from tradition: sex first, dating later

Lindsey ShumwayCardinal Points

Plattsburgh, N.Y. (UWIRE) - Rule No. 1: No calls the day after. Rule No. 2: Spending the night is optional. Rule No. 3: Kissing is not a requirement - it's bourgeois.

Such are the rules established by Jerry and Elaine in the "Seinfeld" episode, "The Deal." The two used these guidelines to avoid problems in their "friends with benefits" arrangement, but they are unsuccessful.

The dating atmosphere in college has changed more to short-term relationships, like "friends with benefits," and other relatively new concepts, said William Tooke, Plattsburgh State psychology professor. It's sort of denying human nature to have relationships with no strings attached, he said, and dating has gotten all messy.

"Someone dropped a bomb on the dating scene," Tooke said.

Junior Marissa Rector said a main reason is because society in the United States has gotten so much more liberal with concepts such as couples co-inhabiting before marriage and open relationships.

"In our society, the norm is that sex is pretty important," Rector said. "Sex is pretty much expected once you get to a certain level of dating."

For many college students, this level of dating has decreased, and the sequence of events in building relationships seems to have changed, she said. Instead of the couples progressing from dating to marriage to sex, like it has been outlined in history as the "proper" order, the series is changing to sex, then dating and finally marriage.

Tooke said men tend to be more biased toward short-term relationships, and women tend to be biased toward long-term relationships. This could be dated back to thousands of years of evolution, he said.

Women would choose a healthy, well-built man with redeeming qualities so their babies would acquire some of the same, which was the original reason to find a mate.

"A woman has to go through nine months of hell, then excruciating pain in childbirth, especially years ago when there wasn't medicine you could take for it," Tooke said. "What does it take from a man? A teaspoon full of sperm."

Even though it is possible to raise a child without a father, Tooke said the evolution makes women more apt to be attracted to a mate who encompasses qualities of dependability. He said this has carried on and is still present today.

The invention of birth control changed the dating scene entirely, and spawned a new era itself, he said.

"The pill cut the line between sex and offspring that's been there for hundreds of years," he said.

Women could more or less engage in sexual intercourse on the same level as a man and evade the repercussion of a baby if they so chose. The rise in the independence in women and the invention of birth control made dating terms both negotiable and uncertain, Tooke said.

"Since then, all sorts of changes have been made," he said.

J. W. Wiley, Director of the Center for Diversity, Pluralism and Inclusion, who teaches a class in romance, love, sex and marriage, said it is unhealthy for either partner to be validated by the other in a relationship because then you start to lose your identity. Instead of finding another to define who you are, it's better to find someone who you can be on par with, he said.

"It's difficult to find out who you are if you're spending all your energy trying to figure out who the person you're with is," he said.

To keep a balance between two partners in a relationship, the power held by each should be equal, he said. Couples should not expect one or the other to pick up the check after dinner, and it shouldn't be up to one person in the couple to do the driving, pick out the movies or initiate the sex, Wiley said. Only then are partners really equal with each other.

Another possible reason the dating scene has changed so drastically is that people are jumping into relationships too quickly. Time is needed to be able to break through the facade, Wiley said.

"People meet each other and then stake a claim, but you don't know really somebody when you first meet them," he said.

An increasingly common resource people are taking advantage of is the Internet. Wiley said utilizing these resources - such as Facebook, instant messaging and chat rooms - is a good option as long as you don't become too dependent.

"You get to know the person without thinking in the back of your head, 'what is he thinking of me now?'" Rector said.

A disadvantage to using the Internet as a dating resource it that some people like to spend too much time on it, she said.

But however it's executed, dating still is an aspect of life many deem important.

"We're wired to find a mate," Rector said. "It's the peak of most of our lives. That's our inner drive - to find somebody.