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Omaha should just take over everything, especially Council Bluffs

No one likes that place

Opinion Editor

Published: Monday, April 1, 2013

Updated: Monday, April 1, 2013 18:04

This article is not real in virtually any way, shape or form. This article is presented for April Fool's Day and meant for entertainment purposes ONLY. Views expressed are not that of the University or the Gateway staff as a whole. Laugh, chuckle, giggle and gasp at our not-so-serious rendition of the UNO Gateway.

I’m a fiend for annexations.  Nothing gives me greater satisfaction than allowing large municipal and city organizations to absorb smaller, tight knit communities, and to make sure that things are truly just.  Think about it, when Omaha annexed Elkhorn, they had far better everything than us in the city.  Elkhorn is located so close to me that everyday I woke up I could feel the oppression of inequality bearing down upon me.  Better roads, services, and a higher average income no more!
Anyhow, I’m seeing a great new opportunity for annexation.  Let’s face it, Omaha is the only real city in Nebraska.  However, Lincoln stole, and I mean stole, the capitol from Omaha back in the day, and it’s time to reclaim what is rightfully ours. If you think I’m horribly biased, let me just tell you, I’m from Lincoln originally, and trust me, this is best for both cities.

So, to make up for losing the state capitol, I propose taking over the entire city of Lincoln.  Think about the benefits.  We’ll have all our sporting teams in one city, most of the state’s population, and a great new slogan for tourism: “Omaha: The Dumbbell City.”  Why dumbbell?  In order to annex Lincoln, Omaha will simply need to annex the entire interstate route as well.  
Let’s not stop there, though, because to our east something else belongs to us.  Yes, yes, probably all of Iowa is rightfully Omaha’s, but specifically Council Bluffs.  Nothing irritates me more than going to a great concert at the Mid-America Center, but having the anticipation of the show ruined by being in Iowa.  I can’t even keep the concert tickets.  I want those tickets to read from Omaha, Nebraska.  It’s no secret that Council Bluffs is Omaha’s vice city...where you go to gamble and feel bad about yourself for being in a blue state.  We could solve that.

Think about this, Iowa really does owe Nebraska.  Carter Lake, Iowa, come on, that’s so on our side of the line.  It’s that same concert effect I described, but with the airport.  You get really excited to go on a great trip, but on the way to the airport, you have to see Iowa.  We’ll simply let Iowa repay their Carter Lake rent by giving us Council Bluffs.

The five way race for Mayor of Omaha is still raging on.  I think it’s time we demand the candidates to focus on what is really important for Omaha, and that’s claiming our manifest destiny. Lincoln and Iowa have wronged us in the past, and it’s time for a little justice.  The formation of the super city of Omaha will ensure that people know where Nebraska is and come to visit. No matter how you look at annexation, we win.

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