April Fool's Disclaimer:None of this is real is virtually any way, shape or form. The articles on this page are presented for entertainment and entertainment ONLY. Views expressed are not that of the University or the Gateway staff as a whole. Laugh, chuckle, giggle and gasp at our not-so-serious rendition of the UNO Gateway.
April Fool's Issue
Third annual faculty Dance Dance Revolution heats up
Next Thursday, in the Milo Bail Student Center, the faculty will be holding the third annual Dance Dance Revolution competition.
iPad3 grosses only $350 worldwide
Customers say: 'What does it do that my phone and laptop can’t?'
Last Tuesday, Apple released the iPad3. The highly advertised event didn’t bring as much anticipation as previous Apple releases have, however.
With a total profit grossing only $350 internationally, Apple is in a panic. The company can’t seem to figure out where exactly they went wrong.
The Kardashians will be missed, said no one ever
Kardashians are calling it quits, leaving watchers wondering: 'What train wreck will we watch now?'
They have been everywhere for the past few years, but now, they claim their time on television is over. The Kardashians are quitting reality television.
Omaha should just take over everything, especially Council Bluffs
No one likes that place
I’m a fiend for annexations. Nothing gives me greater satisfaction than allowing large municipal and city organizations to absorb smaller, tight knit communities, and to make sure that things are truly just. Think about it, when Omaha annexed Elkhorn, they had far better everything than us in the city. Elkhorn is located so close to me that everyday I woke up I could feel the oppression of inequality bearing down upon me. Better roads, services, and a higher average income no more!
People who support cancer are evil
Throughout my life I’ve seen the signs, even here in Omaha, even on campus; terrible signs asking for money to do terrible things. “Support Brain Tumors,” “Run for Cancer,” “Help HIV.”
Why do we allow these monsters to ruin medicine’s quest for cures and treatments of serious diseases? There is nothing fun about disease and death, but signs, booths, and energetic volunteers get together with colorful signs, big smiles, and ask everyone to help support cancer and other terrible things.
Nebraska: If there is fun, it isn't going to be fun getting to it
When I’ve traveled around this country and told people where I’m from, the responses have been disheartening. Some people barely know where Nebraska is, but those who do have some of the worst perceptions of this state. Things like thinking of Nebraska as a giant cornfield of a state, that everyone here rides cattle to school, and that we’re a bunch of prairie dwellers who never modernized.
Sustr loses leg in tragic Harlem Shake accident
From Bo Pelini and the Nebraska football team to the Miami Heat and now UNO hockey, the Harlem Shake is sweeping the nation. Though the season had just ended the Mavericks got into the act moments after their last meeting of the season at the CenturyLink Center.
Old mascot makes way for live bull
UNO’s newest addition to campus stands on four hooves at four-feet tall, has horns sharp enough to scare school pride into even the most moody of Mavericks and a coat of fur covering his whole body to get him through Nebraska’s current never-ending winter.
Tiger Woods back on top in the world of golf thanks to UNO co-eds
There’s no doubt about it, Tiger Woods is back. His win last week at the Arnold Palmer Invitational gives Tiger three wins in five tournaments this year.
Summit League introduces lingerie football for 2014
In a move that shocked some and excited others, the UNO Athletic Department announced it would be joining an effort by The Summit League to start play in a controversial new sport. In the spring of 2014 the conference will offer a championship in lingerie football.
UNMC Zombie Research Facility fully operational
Has perfect workplace safety records, no accidental leaks "so far"
The Zombie Research Facility operated by the University of Nebraska Medical Center reported on two years ago by the Gateway has finally reached full operational capability as of last month. Representatives expect to begin active research during the Summer term, with a special emphasis being placed on potential external threats. The delay is primarily for safety reasons.
UNO students and staff arrested in math lab bust
A massive, year-long undercover police operation involving UNO Campus Security, the Omaha Police Department and the Drug Enforcement Agency finally ended last month when authorities converged on 16 UNO staff and faculty members in a massive math lab bust. The arrests also included more than 100 students suspected of producing and distributing math and its precursor algorithms. Twenty pounds of math were seized, along with dozens of scientific calculators and personal computers. The seizure has an estimated street value of nearly $1.2 million, but this is a low estimate. It could be orders of magnitude higher. In the hands of a computer science major, for example, it could be worth billions.
UNO Parking plans leaked
New group named for it’s motto: “Giving Everyone Some Terrible Agony Promotes Order” (GESTAPO)
People sitting in cars waiting like vultures for a spot to open, illegal parking, hogging two spaces...the list of parking violations goes on and on for many students here at UNO. Thankfully, UNO Parking Services has been listening, and the agency’s leader opened up about some of the changes.
Veni Vidi Vici: Student Government adapts agressive new structure
Since the recent election of a new student body president/regent and vice president, a revolution in student government has begun on campus. While it started with a few benign-sounding reforms, the previously unopposed ticket has now completely consolidated their power over student affairs. It began with the removal of voting on some issues, which they said was simply to shorten sessions so that the Senate could get more done.