Women's Resource Center brings domestic violence awareness month close to home

One in three women will be abused by a romantic partner during her lifetime. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month and UNO's Women's Resource Center is on a mission to lessen that number.The center is holding a cell phone donation drive during the month of October with the Circle of Brotherhood to provide cell phones for abused women to call 911 in emergency situations.

In addition, the center hosted several speakers in the Milo Bail Student Center on Wednesday for "Close to Home," a presentation about domestic violence

Sue Michalski, a representative of the Domestic Violence Coordinating Council of Greater Omaha, spoke to students about the prevalence of domestic violence, how it evolves in relationships and ways to help individuals in abusive relationships.

She also addressed several misconceptions about domestic violence, challenging the audience to describe a typical victim.

"Do they look strong? Do they have visible injuries?" she said.

She said anyone can be a victim of domestic violence, male or female, and his or her injuries aren't always easy to see.

"There's no way to tell who's being victimized," Michalski said. "It could be a classmate, a friend."

Outright physical violence is usually the final stage of the long and deliberate process of abuse. Abusers will often spend the early parts of the relationship gaining a partner's trust and learning his or her strengths and weaknesses.

They then begin what Michalski calls "methodic isolation" by separating the victims from friends, family or anyone who is in a position to help. Abusers may even go as far as physical relocation, moving their partner and themselves across the country.

For Mary Stumbaugh, a survivor of domestic violence, her family's move to Texas shattered her support network and provided her abusive husband with almost unlimited control over her. Leaving was hard, partially because no one believed her husband was capable of physically hurting her.

"Everybody loved him," Stumbaugh said. "They never imagined that he would do something like that to me. [They thought] I must have done something wrong, not him."

Stumbaugh eventually left her abusive relationship. Not for herself, but for the sake of her two daughters.

"I didn't want them to think that that was normal.It's a cycle, and I'm fearful that even with all this counseling I'll end up in another violent relationship," Stumbaugh said.

Children are often a strong motivator for leaving bad relationships, Michalski said, and fears of falling in with an abuser again are justified.

"Perpetrators have built-in radar," she said. "They see something in you they want to challenge."

To prevent their partner's escape, abusers will frequently employ guilt tactics, blaming problems on the victim, promising to behave better or even threatening suicide, which Michalski warns is more often a threat of homicide.

"They're saying they can't live without you," she said. "What they're really saying is they won't let you live without them."

Victims might make several attempts to leave the relationship before actually managing to get out. For their friends it can be a frustrating experience, but Michalski urges patience.

"Don't tell them they have to leave, just ask them what it is they need," Michalski said.

She also stresses that victims should never try to go "toe-to-toe" with their abusers because this can lead to an escalation of violence and potentially death.

The Women's Resource Center on campus can offer referrals, information and most importantly, a safe space for victims of domestic violence.

"First and foremost, victims need to realize that this is not their fault," said Rachel Tomlinson Dick, director of the Women's Resource Center. "Perpetrators often blame the victim, but no one deserves to be abused.