The Gateway Staff send their requests to the North Pole
Published: Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Updated: Wednesday, January 29, 2014 12:01
Dear Santa Pappy,
Now I don’t know if you’ve heard, or stalked my Facebook lately, but I turned 21 this year. That’s right, the little freckled face boy you once gave a toy tricycle to is now all grown up and ready to make big boy adult choices. This past year I’ve taken the helm as editor-in-chief of this publication and served as vice president of my fraternity. If I wasn’t already a big enough deal, I also won homecoming king.
I don’t know about you, but this all seems to point to the sign that I am a strong, independent, knowledgeable, well-versed, confident and humble leader. And as a strong, independent, knowledgeable, well-versed, confident and humble leader, I think I deserve not one gift from you but like 72. I pay my own bills, I got my own job, and gosh dangit I deserve to be lavished. Hell, I make Justin Timberlake and Beyonce look like chumps. If you could hear me sing- which of course I can, might well may I add- I’d have more Grammys than both of those losers combined. So please, ignore the real reason for celebrating Christmas, you know that whole birthing of the son of God nonsense, and just remember one name this season: Sean Legendary Robinson. Please see below for my list of demands…. I mean Christmas gift requests. Praise Baby Jesus!
1) Alcohol, and lots of it
2) An iPad
3) 14 pairs of Sperry’s
4) A Ralph Lauren store. Yes, I want the whole store.
5) A mansion. No need to be quaint.
6) An island. Somewhere warm. Feel free to fill it with banging parties.
7) Puppies, preferably boxer puppies. I won’t accept less than two boxes full of them.
8) The superpower to fly.
9) The ability to dance like the late Michael Jackson. RIP MJ.
10) Free tickets to any concert at any location around the world.
11) 12 rides on Rudolph’s back.
12) A meet-and-greet with Donald Trump. I think we could be great friends.
13) Endless groups of friends that invite me to the most exclusive parties ever.
14) 500 million Mcribs.
15) A McRib mansion. Yes, that makes two mansions.
16) A boat. Better yet, a speed boat.
17) Diamonds. Better yet, all the diamonds in the world.
18) A car that goes fast.
19) My own personal driver, who also is really cool and kind of has, like, a Kanye West vibe.
20) Kanye West.
21) And finally, peace on earth.
I know that most people usually ask for much more from you, so feel free to give me $45 million and a private jet too if your elves can find time to gather all my gifts. Take it easy, fat man!
Sean Robinson, Editor-in-Chief
Well Santa, it’s that time of year again. You always fail to deliver my gift requests, so excuse my condescending tone. You know, “Chris,” I don’t ask for much usually. A little good luck on my economics course next semester would be much appreciated. Can your elves whip up such a thing for me? You know Santa, how on earth have the elves not formed a union yet? More power to you that you work those poor little guys to death, but in this present age it’s something special. This is your 2012th year doing this now I assume? You didn’t feel any extra generous on the 2000th anniversary because I remember getting the same average crap? You didn’t feel that milestone was worth celebrating? Fair enough. You know, I happened to catch a glimpse of you in Nebraska Furniture Mart last weekend, and I was astounded you made time to make a stop in Omaha so close to Christmas. No offense Mr. Claus but such a decision makes me question your priorities and decision making. And why haven’t you shared your travel secrets with anyone yet? You know for certain there’s a Russian billionaire willing to pay top dollar for those schematics. You don’t want to know how long I could ramble about your reindeer. How many steroids and HGH have you pumped into those poor animals? Last time I read a book about Rudolph the red-nose reindeer I mistook it for a Soviet Union Olympic roster. Does Lance Armstrong take care of them in the off season? You know Santa, you’re a great guy. You spread joy throughout the world, but there’s one thing about you that I can never forgive you for. How can you be so grossly harmful to the coal industry? Have you failed to notice the hit the market for commodities takes when you decide to give out one of earth’s most precious organic materials like it’s nothing? It’s disgusting. And for goodness sake, FINISH YOUR MILK when it’s set out. YEAR after YEAR I’m dumping out mostly good milk mixed with the backwash of the rest of the world’s cookies. So, what do I want for Christmas Santa? I think I’ll pass on a gift this season.
Nick Beaulieu, Sports Editor
I know Christmas is so mainstream, but I will write to you anyway for the holiday’s sake.